Christmas Gifts

There’s only a few days left before Christmas. If there are any people out there reading this that are still looking for that perfect Christmas gift, I have the answer for you. Scouring the internet and paying close attention to late night infomercials, I’ve gathered a list of products that are sure to save you form yourself. These products represent the ingenuity of Americans. They are proof that higher learning, painstaking research and cheep child labor can converge to create a product that is not only mindbogglingly simple but totally useless.

Listen Up

“The personal listening device that turns ordinary listening into extrodinary listening.” Now that’s marketing genius at its best. I won’t point out that they misspelled extraordinary. OK never mind, I just did.  I’m sure everyone who has a TV has seen these commercials. The poor guy is getting bitched out by his wife for going deaf, and all he can do is shake his head. My favorite part of the commercial is the face the guy makes when he has to turn down the stereo; now that is great acting. I’m getting one of these so I listen to people talk about me. They would never notice me holding up this pager like thing staring at them like a mental patient, would they?

Awesome Auger

“Take the hard work out of yard work!” Again, there’s a marketing genius at work here. Nothing says I love you like a cheep drill and useless add-ons. In this commercial we see Billy Mays, the most annoying person on TV, going through loose mulch like it was loose mulch. That scene sold me on this product.

The Snuggie

“The Blanket with Sleeves!” What can I say, sometimes the marketing just lays it out there for your. What more could you really say about this? Some uses for the Snuggie are:

• Oversized Sleeves – code for it works for fat people too.
• Hands Free –perfect for people without hands. Think about it, if you don’t have hands, how are you going to keep that blanket around you?
• Super large – not just large but super large, another nod to fat people.
• Machine washable – for those of you who do have a machine that washes stuff, this will prevent you from having to make your way to river and beat it with a rock to clean it.
• Perfect for Outdoor use – because who would be uncomfortable sitting next to a person dressed like a monk?
• Makes a great gift -  I can’t agree more, if you happen to be out of sweaters and have a fetish that requires you to dress like a monk, this is the perfect gift.

Facial Flex

“The only “proven” way to tone and condition the underlying muscles of the face, chin and neck.” Did you get that, the ONLY way to tone underlying face muscles. Now, if you’re worried about your overlaying facial muscles, you’ll have to find a different product. Their marketing department needs some creativity but the commercial on the site more than makes up for it. This is my favorite item in the list. You have to watch this commercial. This lady is jacked up on drugs or something because I don’t think she understands what she doing. The classical music playing in the background and her trying to count while using the Facial-Flex makes for an unbelievable experience.

I say we keep this one for the ladies. This should go over really well them. “Hey honey, your face is kind of fucked up so I got you this for you; hope it helps.

The YouTube clip is too funny.  People will do anything to get on TV. Notice how they have the young woman working the Face-Flex while the older women stand around talking. I wonder why they did that? I can just see it; everyone is standing around trying to decide how they’re going to coordinate the set for the infomercial when the male producer says, “I think she should demonstrate it because you two are better talkers. Yeah, that’s it, you two are better talkers.”

Of course after seeing her demonstrate this thing, it may not be a bad gift. Of course after giving it, I’ll have to find a new place to live.

I hope these products help you with your Christmas gift buying.

Pavel

Redneck verses White Trash

Red neck verses White trash

 

I know you’ve heard of the ‘you know you’re a redneck neck when…” jokes

and I know you’ve heard of the term white trash, but I never new technically what the difference between them were until last night. I was washing dishes that got piled up more than usual. My wife was helping the kids with homework while I was scrubbing all sorts of plates, and pans, lids and glasses. Round ones, square ones, flat and deep, all sorts of shapes and sizes then I came up to the Tupperware. “Hmm’ I said to myself. I usually say ‘hmm” to myself when I don’t have anything else to say. So I was a thinking that these plastic containers, plates and pans, lids and glasses. Round ones, square ones flat and deep ones all sorts of shapes and sizes are plastic. Yes, something I would think is thrown away. But knowing how my wife is fond of her Tupperware I started washing the plastic plates and pans, lids and glasses. Round ones, square ones, flat and deep, all sorts of shapes and sizes till my fingers got all wrinkly.

 

I thought I was done.

 

The key word in the last sentence was thought which is when I usually get myself in trouble. So, when I was leaving the sink and putting away all the regular dishes and Tupperware, pans and lids and glasses. Round ones, square ones, flat and deep, all sorts of shapes and sizes is when I heard what I thought I would never hear. “Don’t forget the butter containers.” Butter containers? I looked on the side of the counter and there were all sorts of plastic containers that once were the original containers for butter, cool whip, margarine, ice-cream, frozen fruits and  many that had wrappers that came off after repeated times of use. I was going to throw them out. Like normal people do. I was about to say to my wife, “You got to be kidding, these are meant to be thrown out”? but didn’t when I seen the “do you want to meet God tonight?” Look on her face after dealing with my two boys for and hour. So I started washing. Cheap plastic plates and pans, lids and glasses. Round ones, square ones, flat and deep, all sorts of shapes and sizes. Then is hit me. I bet you also forgot the real question to this story, didn’t you. That is the definition between a redneck and white trash. A Redneck is someone who has more Tupperware the regular dishes, and white trash has more disposable containers than Tupperware and still uses it over and over again.

 

Now nothing else about us has any implications of any redneck jokes or white trash stereotypes, and since Christmas is coming, I think I am going to do my family a huge favor and buy about $500 in normal pots and pans, Pyrex and China containers, pans and lids, and glasses. Round ones, square ones, flat and deep, all sorts of shapes an sizes just so I don’t have to wash out a Cool Whip bowl for the tenth time.

 

Piece….Cazek