Why I’m not in charge

I’m not in charge at home or at work for too many reasons to list here. However, one reason became evident this morning, common sense. Sometimes I lack common sense in the most obvious places.

One reason I’m not in charge at home is that I would eat myself to an early grave in no time. It’s no secret that bacon is my favorite food. I could eat two pounds of fried bacon and a full package of breakfast sausage in one sitting without blinking an eye.  Most people would be rushed to the hospital after a meal like that, not me. I just look around and say, “What, there’s no more?”

This morning the developers and some managers were interviewing a woman with a PHD in something and masters in computer science. She’s interviewing as a junior developer because she hasn’t had a real job yet. Since I’m not involved with the interviews one would think, how could he possible mess up the interviewing process? Don’t under estimate my lack of common sense. It has proven to be destructive in even the most guarded situations.

The destruction of the interview process started yesterday afternoon. The girl friend messed up and left me at home unsupervised for hours. When left alone I am a detriment to me and the local environment. With so much time on my hands I thought I could run to the store, get a couple pounds of bacon, cook it, eat it, and have the house fumigated before she got back home without her knowing anything happened.

I was wrong. The bacon grease stains on my shirt and the ever present smell of cooked bacon proved to be my demise. I knew I should have cooked something else to try and mask the smell. I didn’t account for the impending food coma. An oversight I will not commit again.  Anyway, I was busted but it was worth it. Sometimes you just have eat bacon. I think I’ll have that etched on my tombstone.

So I got caught eating two pounds of bacon, it wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. The worst part is the morning after. As you can imagine, eating two pounds of greasy bacon does wonders for your digestive system.  Do I need to go into how grease reacts with your digestive track? I didn’t think so.

The problem isn’t that I ate two pounds of bacon or that we are interviewing a potential candidate. No, the problem is that these two events have coincided so closely and the geographical location of our conference rooms and our bathrooms. The timing couldn’t have been better. The interviewing process was going on at the same time the bacon was taking its toll on me. Let’s say it was less than a moment of silent thought when I went to take care of things. It was more like the world war III with mutual nuclear destruction. The cries and moans could have been mistaken for ghosts and ghouls haunting the building. However that explanation was tossed out the window when I came walking out of the bathroom. As I passed by the conference room door, the conference room door that has a big window, I saw everyone looking at me.  At first I thought they were just catching my eye. I smiled and waved unknowingly cementing my guilty plea. Not until I got to my desk did I rewind the events in my head to come to the obvious conclusion, “they heard me.”

Now I have to act like nothing happened for at least a week. If they end up hiring this woman, I’ll have to bury this event in my mind forever and live with her knowing that I sound like the end of the world in the bathroom. Or I could man-up and ask her to pull my finger when they introduce me. I’ll let you know what happens.

Pavel