Hormel Wins Again

My company had a chili contest on Friday.  This in not news, most places I’ve worked for in the last 8 or ten years have had a chili contest. The real news is that I’ve always placed in the top 3 when entering this contest.  In this latest contest I won first place. I didn’t win because I have a secret chili recipe or because I am a culinary master. I’m far from it. I’m the guy who was raised on fried baloney, fried liver and meatloaf. I have the taste buds of a peasant. If it doesn’t have jalapenos in it, I can’t taste it.

So how does this taste-challenged individual keep wining chili contests? I cheat. The basis for my award winning chili is Hormel. Yes folks, I start every batch with a can of Hormel and work from there. Usually I add a can or two of beans and a half pound of ground beef or ground turkey. I spice it up with a few Jalapenos, chili powder, tobacco sauce, and some generic chili spice mix. I control the heat by adding honey. The more honey the less heat. Usually I only add honey if it’s too hot for me, which is almost never.

I learned this trick while on the road touring with GPATRN. In the beginning the band wasn’t making a lot of money. We had to live on almost nothing. We learned quickly how to stretch a dollar. We learned how live on nothing and by nothing I mean, crumbs in the back seat of the ’74 Nova we toured in. During this time the band experimented with various spices to liven things up. It was during this time that we came up with the chili recipe.

The chili recipe sounds like a pretty bland because well, it is bland. Aside from the spices, there’s not much flavor to it. However, living in Boulder and/or working nearby, is an advantage for me. The people in this area try way too hard to make an exotic chili that just turns out bad. One guy made a chili that tasted like buffalo wings. Are you kidding me! Chili that tastes like buffalo wings?  If it was a buffalo wing contest, instead of a chili contest, he would have won. Another guy made a vegetarian chili that tasted more like cardboard than it than chili. The other entries were full of stuff that did nothing to make it hotter or tasteful. So, as usual, I won the chili contest by (kissing it) keeping it simple stupid. I won because the other entries were bland or just terrible. In other words, I won be default. Having the only chili that was traditional did the trick.

Most people are surprised by my win. They tell me that my chili wasn’t anything special or that maybe it was a little too hot. I just shake my head and say, “I don’t know why I won either”. Of course I’m lying when I say that because I know exactly why I won. I don’t care enough to try. Like a good friend of mine says, “Caring is trying and trying is failing.”

Then next time you’re entering a chili contest, remember the secret is to keep it simple stupid and start with a can of Hormel.

Pavel