One Race I won’t be Running

Boulder has a race every Halloween that runs the length of the Pearl St. Pedestrian Mall which is all of three blocks. The race is short because the participants wear a pumpkin on their head’s and running shoes. Yes folks, it’s a naked race. I think that the race organizers figure the length of the mall is about as long a race they can have before the police decide to arrest them. And get this; it was created by a bunch of drunk guys. What are the odds a bunch of drunk guys would think that running through downtown Boulder naked is a great idea?

This isn’t the only annual naked event in Boulder. There is also a naked bike ride to protest against our dependency on foreign oil. Yep, you read that right, people go for a naked bike ride to protest our dependency on foreign oil. Yeah, I don’t get the connection between cloths and oil either.

The funny part of this story isn’t that there’s going to be a group of drunken naked people running through downtown Boulder; no the funny part is that the police won’t do anything about it. In an article in the Colorado Daily, the police chief reportedly said, “we will be exposing the public to more nudity by taking 20 minutes to write a ticket rather than just letting them go.” Yeah, you couldn’t have a squad car nearby to put them in, no that would be too hard.

What is going on here is that the police are not going to bother with drunken naked people because it’s not a big deal and I couldn’t agree more. The police aren’t being inundated with calls complaining about this race. People will probably not even notice the naked runners. This is Boulder, we’re used to seeing weird things here, it’s a college town after all, there’s always something weird going on here.

The best part about this naked pumpkin run is that I am not participating. I know it seems like something I would jump right into, right? I’m not running the race because of the children and for the general safety of the public. I can’t, in good conscious, expose the general public let alone any children that might happen to be out to the horrific site of a middle age, doughy, pasty white guy running past them in the nude with a pumpkin on my head gasping for breath like I was going to have a heart attack. Nobody and I mean nobody, including me, needs to be exposed to that horrific site.

There is always plenty of streaking during a GPTRN concert. Sometimes it’s all we can do to keep the female polka enthusiasts from taking off their cloths and throwing them at the band. It’s get embarrassing at times. And then there was the time the female polka dance champion of 1963 decided to strut her stuff in the buff on stage while GPTRN was playing one of our international hits. It was bit awkward when the roadies had to take her off stage.

If you happen to be trick or treating tonight in Downtown Boulder, be warned, you may be exposed to a group of streakers with pumpkins on their heads.

Vegan? What’s up with that?

Why the Sam Hell would anyone want to be a vegan? I recently came across someone who ordered lunch and commented she was a vegan. I wasn’t sure what exactly what that is or what levels of veganism there are, so the question was asked what she couldn’t have. No meat of course, no milk, no cheese, etc. O.K. I thought, that leaves dirt, wood, plastic, or a wide variety of things that are under my car seat that I am sure are not listed on the element chart.

I looked it up and vegans don’t eat anything with a face or any products from them especially ones kept on a farm. So now the list gets smaller. No honey, no leather, no wool, no silk and the list goes on. Unbelievable! God created Adam and Eve and said stay away from one tree, not; don’t eat anything with a face.

What are the byproducts going to do to you? I happen to have sheep on my farm and they are the most spoiled animals you could imagine. They don’t do anything all day except eat, walk around a pasture, and sleep. What is a silk worm going to do without an avenue to express creativity? There are going to be long lines of unemployed worms, bees, sheep and a host of animals that love to do what they do.

If you have to think about animal’s faces, look at it this way. Lions chase down zebras from behind, to avoid eye contact. Tigers always get you from behind, why? So they don’t have to see your eyes bulge and hear you scream “Ah, shit!” Just eat your hamburger from behind, enjoy your steak by running after it and pouncing on it. Or I got another idea; Sharks close their eyes just as they clamp down on your sorry ass, why? Probably not to get blood stinging their eyes but it could be so they won’t have to see you. So enjoy the hot dog or beef sandwich with your eyes closed. Think of it as juicy tofu and seaweed sandwich.

Come to think of it, I was getting inspired one day at a Pow-Wow when I talked to someone about creation and feelings and it was brought up that plants, even without a nervous system, talk to each other. They follow the sun to get energy and send off pollens and communicate in ways we don’t. These vegans are munching on a plethora of little helpless creatures that can’t even run away. Alfalfa and bean sprouts by the millions are getting hunted and devoured by cruel vegans. Beets and carrots are being ripped from the earth, naked and humiliated by the billions to satisfy some deranged yuppie, vegetarian…Holy Crap! It’s even in their name.

See what I mean, to everyone: Let’s eat everything in the same manner and not be so dam righteous about this or that. That’s why it all was created in the first place. If you don’t eat something it should be that you don’t like the taste or it’s slimy or your brother forced it down your throat as a kid and the son of a….sorry that’s a story for a later time.

You Ate What?

I might be getting sick. I didn’t bring enough lunch to work today so I went fishing. By fishing I mean looking for a lunch I brought before but didn’t eat. I got lucky and found two turkey brats in stir-fried vegetables and an apple all wrapped up in plastic shopping bag. The vegetables were brown and gooey but the brats looked good. After eating the apple, which wasn’t too bad I thought I could probably save the brats. I know bad vegetables when I see them so I tossed those things out right away. I ain’t no idiot. I wasn’t going to eat no brown gooey vegetables. The brats, however, those things looked like they could be saved. I wash off the brats and heated them in the microwave.  They were only a month old so how bad could they have gotten? The apple was good so why wouldn’t the brats be good?

The brats tasted pretty good. I didn’t realize that maybe I was doing something harmful until I told the guy next to me about it. His response was, “I ate some awful stuff when I was Iraq in some pretty desperate situations and I wouldn’t eat that right now.”

I have a stomach that would put a goat to shame so I’m not worried about the consequences of my actions. Besides, you should have seen the stuff I used to eat on the road when the band was just starting out. I don’t want to gross out anyone but, let’s just say, there was no such thing as spoiled road kill in the early days. I think I’ll be just fine. If something happens I’ll be sure to let you know.

Pavel

Brain Freeze

Sometimes after writing for years you just don’t have it one day. Today is my day. A mental fart, a flat tire on the left side of my brain, a closed gate in the pasture of intelligence. Who know why, no inspiration, no good or bad in my life, complacency, too comfortable? I make feelings come out in music and words. Today, I have none.

 

I wrapped up a tune about a month ago called lipstick on my microphone which is sure to be a top 1000 hit. After that, I just had a mental melt down. I even tried to write a blog today and cant. All I got was mumbled mess of syllables and sounds that wouldn’t even be considered a sentence if a chimpanzee said it. Most of our initial songs came from the life and times of growing up in the streets, eating cabbage to often, travels and especially meeting the peoples of the world and seeing that God made smart ones and very, very dumb ones. We’ve met most of those. Now I need more.

 

I think I will go out and see if anything can inspire me. Perhaps a rollercoaster that I loosened a wheel on, going through a drive through on my horse or cashing a royalty check and asking for it in nickels… dirty ones.

 

I shouldn’t feel so bad, lot of bands have one hit wonders and you never hear from them again. Kung Fu Fighting and Carl Douglass was gone. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y and the Bay City Rollers and now making fries, and don’t forget the Bee-Gees who never wrote a good song but some moron still put out their crap.

 

I just need a feeling

I just need some time

To say what is not even in my mind

To make you hear words that aren’t there

For things that are missing.

 

 

Hmm, well I probably wouldn’t know a good tune if it bit me in the ass…..hey wait a minute! Put an umpah beat to that and I got something. I’m a genius, shear genius.

 

Well folks, don’t worry, I’m back, now if I could work on doing a good blog.

 

 

Pee, Cazek

Company Schwag

Like successful Polka Rock bands, companies have to be careful to ensure that the Schwag doesn’t walk away. These items are used to advertise the company at conventions and shows. Here at GPATRN we have hundreds of concert shirt disappear every time we go out on the road so we understand this problem.

The company I work with has found the answer to this dilemma. They make their marketing materials so ugly and or annoying; the people working at the company would never want it. Take a look at this orange shirt below. Who in their right mind would want to wear this thing around? It screams “I want to be a crossing guard.” I remember being a patrol boy in grade school. I swear that orange is the same color of the patrol belts I used to wear in grade school.

The other schwag item no one would ever want is a monkey with a cape on its back. So what’s so annoying about a monkey with a cape; nothing, unless you squeeze it. When you squeeze the monkey it makes a very shrill screeching sound. It sounds like a stuck pig. The guys in the officer were throwing it around for about 5 minutes the other day. They didn’t stop until I stabbed it. They got the message.

So all you marketing directors worried about your company schwag walking away, take note, if the company schwage is so ugly and/or annoying, the people in your company won’t want it.

Pavel

What’s in a name?

What’s in a name?

 

Everyone always asks were did the name Guy Pulaski and the Roaming Nomads come from? Well it’s a long story that I will get into later. Now I want to bring up other band names. All in all, most names are very fitting to the music, style or even a weird message, for example;

 

Jethro Tull was a 18^th century botanist that the band wanted to, in a weird way, portray their nature, mythical, minstrel like personality to their audience, not to mention to all the pot heads.

 

The Eagles is a good name for a California based country rock band (even though none of the members are from California) that sing about free and easy, life in the fast lane, and hotels.

 

Led Zeppelin is the perfect oxy-moron names that is contradictory yet states that an impossible thing can be overcome and made into the best.

 

Now there are some names that I personally don’t like but it may be because of the people in it.

 

U-2 is suppose to be a slam on being watched by ‘the man’ in their spy planes while the pretentious Bono owns half of fleet of planes now, and he wants us to donate a quarter a day to help some kid in El Salvador while he wipes his ass in $100 bills. Don’t get me wrong, I love the music, I just don’t want one simple band name to be a political statement.

 

System of the Down, come on now, that’s just a retarded name.

 

Matchbox 20…WTF!!!

 

Go to your local entertainment newspaper now and you’ll get a hundred names from the wacky, Monkey lips to the avant-garde The Eyebrows. You have to be the judge yourself and also go out and see these groups; don’t be afraid to tell them, “great music! stupid name!”

 

Now for Guy Pulaski and the Roaming Nomads; well it all start back in Weilepole….Word press has stopped this article at this point due to graphic violence, absurd activities, questionable verbiage and immoral animal stories. We will resume at a more decent section.

 

And that is how the band came up with its name. Cool huh?

 

Peas…Caz

Youth is Wasted on the Young

A while back I was having dinner with a friend of mine. We were talking but couldn’t help but over hear a conversation with the young couple next to us. They were obviously college kids, and young college kids. I think they were freshman or sophomores.

The guy is obviously trying to impress the girl because he’s talking about what great shape he’s in.  The look on her face was one of boredom. This didn’t inhibit his long but not really well thought out speech. The young man moved from how much he’s been working out and running to how much he weighs. This is where the conversation went downhill really fast.

He said to the young woman “I weigh almost as much as I did two years ago. Actually I should only weigh about 5 or 10 pounds more than you.”

My friend and I looked at each other with and I said, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”

My fiend said “yep.”

That’s right folks, he’s talking to a pretty slim young woman who obviously is proud her looks and this dim wit says to here, “I should only weigh about 5 or 10 pounds more than you.” About a millisecond after he said this, her faced changed, her body language changed and the mood was a bit more sullen.

Obviously he didn’t understand what he said to her was stupid because he continued on, saying how fit he was and that he’s in great shape and want to start lifting more and how she’s in good shape and again came told her he should only be about 10 pounds more than her and on and on he went. It was kind of painful to see.

My buddy and I left before they did. He was still gabbing about his new found fitness. As my friend and I walked home I said to him, “And that is why that guy is still a virgin.”

I was never smooth with the ladies and have my share of stupid things I’ve said to women so I really can’t say I’m any better than this guy was, however, being on the road fight off the groupies has educated me on how to talk to women. And guess what, I still don’t know what I’m doing. I would like to think that I know how to talk to women but like all men, I’m wrong. Every time I think I have an idea, I’m wrong. At least I’ve learned through trial and error what not to say. I’m still learning that list is bigger than I’ll ever know.

So my advice to the young man would be, pay attention to what you’re saying and don’t talk about yourself, talk about her. She’ll ask you when she wants to talk about you. And never, no matter what size the woman is, say, I should only weigh about 10 pounds more than you.

Pavel

Why I Live Here

Ever so often I talk to friends of mine who wonder why I don’t move back to Illinois. I try to explain i to them in words but I always fall short. So ever now and then I have to send them one of these.

This is a picture of my walk to work. A half hour bus ride and and two minute walk. I get to run, play basketball, go to Jiu Jitsu or swim in a creak during lunch.

So why do I live here; see above.

Pavel

Lennen for Charity

I went to a John Lennon art show last weekend. I really didn’t know what to expect. The advertisement said it was a free show however, there was a chubby, balding, red-headed guy sternly saying, “It’s free but DONATIONS are appreciated.” I slipped two bucks into the Plexiglas cube. It’s clear so everyone in line can see how much you donate. It ensures no one cheats.

Inside you find exactly what you would expect, tons of art done by John Lennon. We all know that Lennon’s media wasn’t sketching on paper so the art wasn’t presented like he was famous for drawing; it is presented as charity work. It’s not very complicated which is a bonus, but is a bit too simple at times. It definitely has its own style. There’s a consistency from one drawing to the next.

I don’t know if I got the good feelings from the art or from the legend of the man who created it. Either way, the experience was a good one. Just when I getting into a good mood as I read about John’s struggle with himself, a salesman steps up and starts talking me about the picture I’m looking at. What this particular salesman was doing was trying to increase the homey feeling I was getting by telling me some tidbit about the picture like “John drew that to make his sun laugh.” Then he would tell you more about the picture until it became more than obvious that he was annoying me. This happened more than once.

These pictures are like 500 to 5000 dollars. Do I look like a guy who buys any other art than band posters? I don’t think so. Yet this guy kept stopping by to tell me something about the drawing I was looking at. What’s with that?

All of the proceeds from the sales go to help some local artist thing. So even though it was a bit high pressure on the sales, it was good experience.

Pavel